Empty Nexter

I'm standing in the middle of my favorite grocery store and I've been shopping for quite some time now. My basket is, for all intents and purposes, more than full. I stand, looking over my selections, watching the other shoppers. They appear enraptured with their selections, their carts, their choices...just their being there. Yawn.

Some are genuinely happy and I envy them. In my heart there is a longing to feel that happiness, that sense of contentment they seem to get from just being there. I don't understand it anymore. I used to, but now I am so very bored with it all. I've seen everything, over and over. I've snacked on the samples. I've gone home with and gorged on probably every item available to me in hopes that I will finally feel that proverbial illusive happiness only to realize I'm not content at all. I am still so very, very empty.

I walk up and down each aisle looking for what it is I feel I am missing. There is a clue here somewhere. Something they have in their cart that I don't have. Surely.

Some offer a specific item they are sure will answer my dilemma. I used to toss those into my cart with hopeful eagerness. But at this point in my journey I no longer think another item in my cart will make a difference to the balance, one way or the other. My appetite waned, my interest unmotivated.

I feel like walking away. No, scratch that. I feel like running away. Screaming. The urge to flee is so very strong. I want to leave the basket there and never return. What's the use? What purpose does this or that item serve. I no longer care about the contents or what happens to me if I don't purchase them. I no longer care to be here. I am empty. My heart screams NEXT!!??!!??

This is how it's been for some time now. It's not the store; I've been to many different stores. And it's not the contents of the basket; it's all healthy choices, no Twinkies or chips - not that an occasional Twinkie or bag of chips is bad mind you - but I don't even crave those things. I am empty. And I want next.

This is my walk in the Christian life of late. I am bored. Bored with Christianity, bored with church, bored with the reasons I am bored and bored with the answers to my boredom.

I am empty and I am screaming NEXT!?!?!?!

Yes, I work at a church. Yes, I attend this church and love this church. I love the God I worship and serve. I have no question of who He is or if He is or where He is. I've no question of my faith, the validity of my religion or the truth of Christ. All that is very solid, very real.

I know His word. I've read His word over and over. I've sat at His feet and desperately clung to His cross pleading for more of Him. He knows all of this because I talk to Him in very real terms on a daily basis.

And yet, I am empty. Next?

I'm not sure where this post is going or what my point is other than to put it out there. I know others feel the same because I've had this conversation with quite a few people. Christians bored with Christianity.

There is no answer you can give me. I am not asking for a solution or even your solution. No need to invite me to visit your grocery store. No sense in me envying or borrowing what you have in your cart. No need to figure out what snack, ingredient or even recipe I should try now. Nope. Been there. Done that. Next?


  1. 22 years in the church.
    been there, done that.
    i know all the answers,
    where is it translating
    into my heart
    and my soul?

  2. If you figure out the solution, please let me know. I'm getting desperate.

  3. Mia,
    I don't have an answer for that...

    I am sad there are so many who feel the same - and yet glad to know I am not alone. I know there are many others because I've had quite a few conversations with people struggling. God help us all.

  4. this is very passionate. i love seeing your heart. i definitely identify with being bored. the only thing to do is cling to Jesus. because religion and church and fancy stuff in religion and church get dull. but not Jesus. Jesus is life. he is all. he is not boring. this is a daily reminder, and i am so encouraged to hear and know that you know this well; you spend time at his feet, conversing with him daily. i think maybe working at a church sometimes makes things worse. you know, you get to see the dirty side of ministry. the side that makes it very clear that there are humans trying to run this thing. i think something i could work on is being a light in a place where we call a building "church". i think i sometimes expect church people to act like sin is something foreign. like we are somehow above all of that. when in reality, we are the ones that need Jesus the most; the ones that claim to be like him in some way or another. how much grace he gives us when we claim to be his followers, and don't follow. our carts are so full, and we don't even realize that Jesus doesn't ride around in our carts. all we are carrying around is of no use if we think that we can feed ourselves with it's contents.

    i love you, dana. thank you for your heart, and making things so real. i will continue to pray for you and our church. and by church i don't mean this building. :]


and remember, words are my love language...