She Says To Me...

I am a people watcher. I go to the store and look around at the all the different sizes, shapes and colors of humanity and I wonder what's their story. For instance, just because that couple looks really cute together, are they happy? are they fighting? are they married or dating and are they even a couple? I see a older gentleman and I wonder if he served our country, or how many hours he put in over the years at his job to feed his kids, or if he even has kids and if so, do they ever call? Look at that woman, she is just walking through the store and talking to herself, what a loon, no wait...she has a bluetooth earpiece...I am not talking about stereotypes and prejudices, I am referring to actually trying to figure them out. Several months ago I saw a girl, probably 20 if that. She was rail thin and pale and her clothes as well her body language said very clearly to me "leave me alone." Not in the Greta Garbo sense, all sultry and mysterious. More brooding and detached. We were waiting in line behind her and this gave me more time to notice the details. And the details made me want to cross the line put my arms around her and tell her "I understand, you don't have to do this to yourself anymore." But civility and fear held my tongue and my feet to the spot. Later I thought what others must see when they look at her. Do they think what an idiot and what would make a girl do that to herself? I'm sure there are a few who would cast aspersions on her sanity. Not me. I get it. I understand all too well. The following is a poem that I wrote after having seen her and then watching a tv program on the very same subject. I don't mind sharing that this poem is from personal experience both past and present...Everyone has a story, everyone...

she says to me
a tear brings more pain and lets more blood
than the razor she uses to make it go away
the feelings cut deeper and emotions more raw
than the lines on her arms that quiet her aches
and the cuts and scars that bring relief
help keep at bay the hounds of anger, grief
and shame that would steal self-control like a thief

she keeps it under control
she makes sure no one gets in
and nothing gets out
beyond her walls
or beneath her skin

and she says to me
she's covered up her beauty with a size 22
under lock and key she keeps it all secure
with cheeseburgers and fries to hold her close
she is hidden from eyes that look through her
eyes that might take a second glance
or maybe give her a moments chance
if he looks away and laughs, she understands

she says to me
it's a careful mask she's painted
held together with a smile
and no one can know that just beyond
she is drowning all the while
out past the edges
beyond whats allowed
to fit in to the crowd

she does whatever it takes
and she walls herself in
and she won't let you see
she keeps the ice thin
then at least she knows
how far you can go before she breaks...

she says to me
it's easier keeping all this in
keeping the closet door closed (all the junk that's hidden)
keeping the curtains pulled (don't let that be exposed)
keeping the coast guard away (it's safer this way)
keeping reality at bay
it's safer this way
Dana Moya 2007

Chasing Fireflies

"Men spend their lives asking Who am I when the real question is Whose am I? I don't think you can answer the first until you've settled the second. First horse then cart. Identity does not grow out of action until it has taken root in belonging." - Chasing Fireflies by Charles Martin

That's a quote from the book I just finished reading. And I loved it. It's been a while since I've read a book that didn't make me turn to the last page because I was bored. I also don't like when an author uses ten words where only 4 or 5 are needed - Charles Martin knows this and uses his words well. Most importantly I was not disappointed in how it ended. That seems to be the biggest problem I have with the books I read, the endings always seem lame. And after the last page, when I have absorbed every word, I long to read more. I want to spend more time with the people I've just met. I miss them. I want to know how they are and what they are doing.

"Words that sink into your heart are whispered, not yelled."

This one whispered.

Listen, you don't have to run out and get it but, if you do read it let me know what you think...

Don't miss out...

Someone told me yesterday that she might try something "once she got her act together".

...I told her "girl, why are you gonna wait till heaven?"

For Elena

While there's still light between the earth and the sky,
I'll tell of what I know is in your heart.
Forgive me if I fail you with these words of mine,
Some thoughts inked on paper is all they are.

But you...

You hear the music of every single day.
And each one holds it's very own song.
You dance with joy around the moments in your life,
And make the day to come and dance along
With you.

I hope you never stop hearing the music.
I hope your feet never hold still.
Don't stop singing the notes within your heart,
Sing it to the world and make it feel
Your joy.

You see beauty that every second holds.
Each moment is like a sacred work of art.
You paint your world the color of your soul,
And take the time to help us see it too
With you.

I pray you never stop seeing the beauty,
I pray you you never let that go.
Don't stop living the art of what you see
Share it with us all and make us know
Your heart.

Just Because...

It's been a while. We are back at work. The sunburn has peeled several times. My Houstonitis is calming down. I am over the diabetes blues. I guess I will write. I've kind of wanted to for a while...but, yeah, um...

So, this will be a *closet cleaning...

My husband and I celebrated our 13/15 anniversary on June 6th whilst we were vacationing. No that's not 13 out of 15 as if it will end in two years. It's 13 years married, 15 together. I am blessed people, very, very blessed. Oh how I love that man of mine! The anniversary was very well celebrated between IT and a few days travelling the Hill Country splashing in the river, it was perfect.

Miss Elena turned 12 while we were gone. She is awesome, hugs and kisses baby girl! I want to post a big birthday post for her and I am trying to write a little poem for her as well but no words will fit together as I want. Perhaps Calliope has the blues as well. Once I get it together (ha!) I will have it posted for her. We had a great time celebrating her though, she got great gifts and she and I made a German chocolate cake from scratch! Dude, lots of work, very worth it!

And...speaking of German...My bff is away in California and Tahoe and various other places along the West Coast. *SNIFF* I miss her! But I can tell by the way she is ignoring me - you know no phone calls, no emails and no posts - that she is having a blast! And I am so glad for her, this is a much needed and deserved vacation! Confused by the connection? Her last name is Ziegler!

From the West Coast over the East Coast (hey, I'm trying...). My two best bosses forever just got back from a conference in Florida. Poor folks, suffering for the Lord and all. But actually both had a sob story to tell upon their return. BBF1 had a to handle an office emergency via the phone while driving and after 2 hours of talking they ran out of gas. Wait, there's more. Not only did they run out of gas, but they were stuck on a bridge that is several miles long, that is over a swamp, that has cars rushing by at 75 mph in Mississippi. For 4 hours. In the heat of the day. With 2 young boys and no where to go. I told him it sounded like the beginning of a horror movie and to get out of there quickly! Meanwhile BFF2 had to have emergency dental work. *shudder* Enough said. I couldn't tell you which is worse, but I think the bridge would be my first choice! I am glad they are back and all is well with my work family once again. Well, except for BBF2, she is back at the dentist today with more root canal work being done. I feel your pain BBF2, and I'm praying for you!

And speaking of best bosses. My original BBF (can I call her OBB?) is about to celebrate a birthday! WOO HOO!!!! I miss her something awful and think about calling her, but yeah, the thought has yet to take action. She is one of the funniest people I know. I miss when she used to walk in and have a story to share....*sigh* good times. No folks, she doesn't read this so this isn't an attempt at brownie points, so there!

Well, the closet seems clean and organized for now. Hopefully you haven't felt as though you've wasted your time with me. And hey, I LOVE comments. Feed the writer's ego people. Well, okay don't, but do let me know what you think...

*Since I cannot use the term "vomit blog" coined by the all too famous Schiskablog and random has been used a lot lately I wanted to use something different. Closet cleaning is more like what I am doing. You know, one thought leads to piece of junk leads to another throw this out and set this aside and voila the closet is empty. I am trying to be original and not lame, but, well, yeah.

Poor, poor, pitiful me...

I was diagnosed as being diabetic earlier this week. I cannot begin tell you what a blow to my heart this was. I am a large woman who has struggled with my weight for so long and I have really fought hard to change that fact. I have recently started a journey towards having weight loss surgery. I know there are plenty of naysayers out there, and that's fine. But you don't know my story and you don't wear my shoes. Diabetes will be one more reason for the insurance company to say yes, yeah, that's not enough reason to be okay with having it. I have been mopey about it the past few days and it's been really pitiful, I mean really pitiful. I have tried to turn the glass upside down, giving myself little pep talks, kicks in the butt, bringing scripture to the pity party etc. But nothing worked like seeing my mom in the hospital one night this week.

My mom Cory suffered from a massive stroke over 14 years ago. A stroke so massive it left half of her brain completely damaged and half of her body very much paralyzed. But this monster didn't paralyze her sense of humor, she still has all of that in tact! The other thing the stroke didn't paralyze is her absolute trust in the love & goodness of God. She has been in the hospital several times recently due to ulcers lining her esophagus. This last time she was put through some pretty rough tests and treatments. Mom took it all with the grace and dignity she had left. The other night the nurses were working her up pretty good and when they were finished with their necessary evil she turned to me and told me "I watched Billy Graham the other night on tv and they sang How Great Thou Art and I sang with them. And it hit me that He is God and He is great and He is my savior and my soul does sing to Him."
I wept. I have it made, diabetes and all. And her, well, Cory has laid in a bed, not doing anything other than watching tv, reading books, being changed, bathed & dressed by others for 14 years and yet her soul still sings to Him. Amazing.

She then proceeded to tell me that she preferred to pray to Jesus because God was too old to have a clue what she was talking about.

I laughed through my tears.
(Have you been watching Talladega Nights mom?)

I hope to hold on with the same amount of faith for however long it takes. I hope my sense of humor stays in tact too! So I guess I will put the whine and cheese away for now.

Daddy wait!

"Daddy wait!" the little girl cried out as she went running after him down the path as fast as her chubby little legs would move. She had become preoccupied with the flowers along the way stopping to pick a few, they were all so pretty it was hard to decide. When she did look up she saw that her father was further along down the path. He was turned towards her with his hand outstretched waiting to take hold of hers again. He had eyes that were full of love and an understanding smile that gave his mouth a slight upturn on one corner. He was used to it, she often took her time along their walks.
She had even strayed too far once or twice but he always found her, crying and frozen to the spot where the realization had hit her he was no longer anywhere in her vision. He hadn't lost sight of her though, he was always right there, comforting her with the strong reassurance of a father's embrace. The reunion was always very tender, full of hugs and promises from her to never wander off again. But she was just a small child and the world held far too many seemingly wonderful things just waiting to be discovered. Sure there were always the flowers but there were also the butterflys; they were so wonderful with their colorful wings flying playfully around her beckoning her to chase the wind with them. Oh and then there is the playground with all the entertainment it held...who could pass up a slide or a few turns of a merry-go-round?
"Let's go Dana!" he would call to her and she would giggle with pleasure and run to his side. They would go a little further down the path just spending time with one another till the next turn in the journey and she was off again chasing after the whispered promise of fun. The father loved his daughter and brought her on the daily walks talking with her, laughing with her and teaching her of the things he wanted her to know. Sometimes they were quiet, sometimes they sang together (she thought he had the most beautiful voice) and sometimes they would even dance together. They were such small moments, wonderfully small moments and it was those moments that brought her back to him time and time again to their lovely walk each day on the path.

Good to be gone, good to be back...

I know I've been gone and while and the blog world must have seemed a little dull and dark without the sunshine that is me, but vacation was just what the doctor ordered. He said it was either that or a mental hospital, to which I replied "doc, you gotta have mental to be in one of those!" He agreed that I was definitely lacking mental and said vacation would have to do. Besides, I wanted to wring every last drop that there was from the precious time with my family and treasure it in my heart.

I must say that vacation was fanfreakinfabudangawesomous! (Okay, maybe I went a teensy bit overboard with that...but I was searching for just the right adjective. That oh, so, perfect combination of letters that encapsulates the whole week that was...and alas they all fall short. By themselves they just didn't live up to the real thing. So there you go.)

We left the house on Wednesday and drove far into the Hill Country. The trip should have only taken about 5 hours, I think it took us 10. We had so much fun. We found this one part of the road where if you went really fast it felt like you were on a roller coaster, I think we must have turned around and flew down it about 10 or more times. If the people could see us from their ranches I'm sure they were wondering if they should call the police. We went down another road that had the funniest fence. I wish we had the camera out, it always happens like that. They must have had a 100 pairs of boots of all kinds. Cowboy, go-go, army and so on. All turned upside down on and stuck on the top of the fence posts. Only in Texas baby, yeah!

At every turn of the road you had your breath taken away by the scene that would unfold. The Guadalupe River winds all over the map and the various roads we took chase after it in a seemingly playful way. One minute you would see nothing but fields and ranches and cactus and with the hills far in the background, then you would follow the curve of the road and come upon the river and cedars so tall and these huge rocks right in the middle of the whole thing that looked like they jumped in because the river's call was so inviting...At some crossings it was too much for us and we had to jump in ourselves. Then as quick as a turn you were surrounded by mountains on either side. Nothing I could write here, no picture that I could post will give you an idea. It's one of those you have to experience for yourself.

It had the effect that being outdoors in a place like that always has on me, it makes me worship. It makes me to lift my arms and sing praises. It makes me to bow my heart in humility and in wonder at the awesomeness displayed by our God and Creator. It makes me smile at His creativity, laugh at His sense of humor and weep at His beauty and I've never been less than absolutely amazed. During our trip I saw several things that repeatedly caught at my heart. This post is already pretty long, so I won't write home about it today. I have started this same line of thought in another post for another day. But I will say this, the sunset, the field of flowers, the trees and the simplest rock...

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Psalm 19:3

So we took a few pictures, some I've posted here: Vacation 2007

I hope you enjoy!

Wednesday!?!?! Is that you???

JEESH...Tuesday is gone already? I can't believe it! At this very same time last week it was still Monday morning. This week is going to go so's the law of is required to happen at 3 times the normal speed.

Day 1: We had a garage sale with our friends & neighbors, the Muntons. We made a decent penny or two and then we spent it. (Not at the garage sale, later at the store). I had such a good time talking with Denise. She is truly one of the nicest persons you will ever be blessed to know. Went home and did absolutely nothing. That was great!

Day 2: Church, that was awesome! I was glad to be back in the House of the Lord. Picked up my daughter from middle school camp. She's been gone since Wednesday and I missed her something terrible! I missed hugging her and talking to her and laughing with her! I am so glad she is home! She had a blast, she is all tanned and stinky and man I love her! Then we went home and did IT. That was truly a great event, you should have been here. No, really, we could have used the help.

Day 3: Slept until 7 am! Yeah baby! That's sleeping in at this house. (Have you figured out yet that this post is really about nothing?) Read. Yard work. Rested. Nothing. More nothing. A lot more nothing what-so-ever...this vacation is going just as we planned!

Day 4: Took care of a lot of little things that needed to be done for a while. You know, got the car inspected, took care of some paperwork, went here and there. Spent lots of time fighting and laughing and eating and sleeping and relaxing and doing a little more nothing, man, this is the life. Those are the little things that needed to be done.

Day 5, 6 & 7: Not here yet, but here is the plan: Get up very early say, 9 or 10 am and drive. Drive far. And once we get to far, we plan on staying there and getting burned to a crisp...(yes, we know, not advisable)...swimming in the river, travelling and having fun not being here. Now, now, don't be hatin'!

See ya when we get back....

Brief note of thanks...

Girl on a Mission...I COULD KISS YOU!!!! Remember your advice? Your wonderful yet scary advice? Well, to tell the truth, we had never even thought of it. It had never even crossed our minds. We went home. We talked about it. We dreamed of it. As the days went by, we gained courage thinking we might actually be able to pull it off. Last night, we decided we couldn't take it anymore and we were going to do it. This morning we actually told her we are going to do it. We are about to go do it RIGHT NOW! I am so excited!! So happy!! I cannot believe it!! KISSES GoaM, wet, smushy, slobbery kisses and hugs to you!

(For those of you who have no clue, sorry.)