I won't tell you exactly where I work. Some of you know already, some of you may have an idea. Others, have no clue what I do for a living (like my bosses and co-workers for instance). Therefore if I actually told those of you who have no clue what I do, you would have visions of Dana Carvey dancing in your heads. And that, while funny, would be downright wrong.
Perhaps I will make a contest out of it one day. You know, everyone would take a guess and I could award prizes. I could call it "What Does Dana Do?" or WDDD? for short. I could make t-shirts and bracelets, oh and even bumper stickers! That would be special!
You could put those on your car and drive like Jesse and people would see the sticker and say to each other "They are such hypocrites!" "I thought Dana LOVED people, they don't act like they do!" Or when you wear your bracelet/t-shirt people would ask What Does Dana Do? and this would be the opportunity to ...
Hey now...it's just a joke. Please don't take offense. I am not in any way attempting to make fun of Jesus...just His followers...of which I am one...most of the time. Sometimes I'm sitting on the side of road whining "are we there yet?" or "I have to pee!" or "I'm hungry!" Sometimes I just sit there complaining about how my feet hurt and I'm tired. He yells at me from the front seat "Don't make me pull this thing over!" and I go back to following quietly - but still whining on the inside.
Eee gads, I am way off track here. Back to conversations at my job.
So, knowing exactly where I work will not in any way help this story. But, knowing what I do will help. So I will tell you. Brace yourself Effie...
I, Dana Moya, Sarcastic Queen of the Universe, am a church secretary. THERE! I said it. Go ahead, envision Dana Carvey doing the little purse of the lips and saying "I don't know, SATAN maybe?!?!" and then doing the 'Church Lady Shuffle.' I'll wait. I told you it would be downright wrong...For one I don't dress like that and two I certainly don't have gray hair. Praise you L'Oreal! But I have shared, and having done so I feel much better.
And not just any kind of church secretary mind you, because now we call ourselves Administrative Assistants, and I am the Administrative Assistant in the singles department of our church. OK, that's all I'm giving you. Any more and I have to come give you a bible and tell you that Jesus loves you! Or kill you. Whichever will get rid of you faster.
First you must read THE DISCLAIMER: In some instances the names have been changed to protect me. Me? Yes, me. Why? Because, well, there are no innocent here and those spoken of may come hurt me once they've read this. And that would be bad. Very, very bad. For me. The names selected in no way reflect who it might be. I've gone pretty far to protect myself...I've chosen dog names...They will be nice to me now.
Me: This is Dana
Anastasia: (thick, very thick, Romanian accent) I want your young people.
Me: Ew! Hey, that's illegal!
Anastasia: At my church we have no young people. I want your young people.
Me: Um, no.
Aaaand, later on in the conversation she informed me she was given the "Wolunteer of the Year" title at her church. Her award, a certificate and a glass of Vhiskey.
or this one:
Me: This is Dana
Sparky: (cheesy car salesman voice) Hey there Dana how are you young lady?
Me: (ew) Fine sir, how can I help you?
Sparky: Well, you know I need me a bible class to go to.
Me: I don't mean to be rude sir, but may I ask what age you are? (we sort 'em out by age, helps them stay away from our young people.)
Sparky: Yes, ma'am I'm 55.
Me: Uh, (trying to be tactful) Sir, I need to transfer your call to our older singles department. One second.
Sparky: (interrupting) Ma'am, I would like to stay right here with you, the younger singles. Cause you see, I'm looking for a young Christian lady for a wife and I won't find one there.
Sparky: Can you help me?
Me: Lord help me.
And another favorite:
Me: This is Dana
Bella: I was looking for a singles bible study.
Me: Okay, I can...
Bella: First, can you tell me how many good black men go to your church.
Me: (Looking around for hidden camera) Excuse me?
Bella: Are there a lot of them or what?
Me: Um, I've never counted...but (What the?!?)
I kind of think, that since we work at a church people assume that all we do is sit around, holding hands and praying, talking about the Lord and stuff. You know, spiritual stuff. Cause, we is so spiritual. But truly we are a diverse group of people who can have a conversation about anything and everything.
And we do. We talk about kids, husbands, moms, eMiLys, recipes, Britney, sex, world hunger, Sponge Bob, OJ Simpson, sex, Dancing With the Stars, Bono, sex, pee wee bowling, Uzbekistan, each other, sex...
And I love my friends and our lunch conversations. And truly, I cannot put any of them here cause...
Sadie: CoCo asked what we really talk about at lunch. I told her...
Daisy/Ki Ki/Princess/Sandy/Lady/Fi Fi/Snookems: *panic stricken voices* Wait, she asked what?
Sadie: What we talk...
Daisy: And you told her all we talk about is Jesus right? You said we have bible study and talk about Jesus, cause what happens at lunch, stays at lunch. Right?!!
Sadie: I told CoCo that I can't keep up with what we talk about.
Daisy/Ki Ki/Princess/Sandy/Lady/Fi Fi/Snookems: Good girl.