Morning Drive The Next Day

and the day after that, and the day after that, and so on and so on...

I don't know what it is about being behind the wheel of a vehicle that makes my husband transmogrify (I like that word!) into someone I don't know or love. As I said in Morning Drive, we work together which brings us to carpool together - which I love. Mostly.

My husband, for those who have not had the pleasure, is a kind, generous, and loving family man. He would not hurt anyone (Making you mow the lawn does not count, kids).

That is until you put him behind the wheel of a vehicle and send him on his way to...wherever.

Oh, or in front of a tv playing sports. Any sports. Pee Wee Bowling in Uzbekistan will rile him up and send him into emotional fits resembling PMS where he alternates between yelling at the refs/umps/officials/team/announcers/stadium vendors/mascot/small children on the screen and then long moments of complete and utter silence. Yes, he's even cried a time or two. The children and I are not quite sure whether to huddle in the closet with a shotgun, not that we own one, or call for an intervention.

And in actuality it's not the oft heard of road rage. It's more like, gosh, how do I explain it....You know the song Jesus Take the Wheel? I would say, it's more like Satan Has the Wheel.

Satan has the wheel,
He took it from J's hands.
Cause no one can drive right you know.
I'm praying Lord,
Don't let me pee my pants,
Move people from this road we're on.
Satan has the wheel.
O, take it, take it from him.

Mmmm, maybe that is a little harsh. But One of Satan's Lesser Minions Has the Wheel just doesn't flow the same.

I've tried to convince him it's not his road and that he shouldn't take personal offense to others actually driving on it or God forbid, driving on it in front of him. Gasp! May the Lord have mercy on their souls. And just who is the fool who drives 37 mph in the 35 mph zone anyway? What is wrong with him?!?! Does he NOT know he could go at least 40 and get away with it? Sigh, folks, this is the burden that is mine daily to bear.

I have even played music, you know it is supposed to soothe the savage beast. But apparently satan does not like morning radio. I've tried coffee, breakfast and the occasional scream or two thinking since he is satan, he might like that sort of thing. I have found he does like jokes and flirting. Lots of flirting. But it only diverts him momentarily until some brave soul decides to change lanes so they can turn left of all things, do they not know the wrath they incur by doing so?

But alas, each day I arrive safe, in need of a strong sedative, but safe. The face of satan begins to fall off and soon the sweet man I love so dearly smiles back at me as we walk in the door. I begin to relax, glad for the return of my beloved. If only until the next day.

Sing it Carrie!


  1. i am totally with him on the driving 37mph in a 35 zone!

    but not the yelling part. that just makes me nervous. which is why when we are in MY car (i'm making the payment therefore it's MINE) i insist that I drive.

    now if i could just get him to keep his mitts off the radio.

    why do men find it necessary to change the station so frequently? just like the TV

  2. this was hilarious Dana! i feel the same way when i drive with my man. i fear for my life most of the time. :)

  3. Jen,
    I hate driving. I really do. He doesn't change the radio often, but the tv channel surfing is insane!

    Thank you! I fear for my life and the lives of others on I10 but usually he is pretty safe. Oh, and on Longpoint! Geesh, everyone scares me on that street!!

  4. At least he is not "tinkling the ivories" while he drives, too! Now, that would be something to blow your testicles about, huh?

  5. I call it 'men's disease'. They can't find anything, they are proficient at using remotes, they are the perfect drivers thus everyone else is wrong, etc. Yep, it's men's disease!


  6. I think you're too hard on your husband, Dana, after all you said he was "kind and generous" He needs to let off steam somewhere. I can identify with his driving attitude - there are some morons out there on the roads and it's our job to identify them!

  7. Kelly!
    OMG I almost spit my diet coke out...You know everyone who reads that is wondering "tinkling the ivories"? Doesn't she mean tickling the ivories???

    LMS -
    This may be something to research. Is this fatal? Can it be reversed? Is there hope Linda?!?!?!?

    Pluto -
    That's exactly what he says!!! But he still thought this was funny...wait, they actually have morons in Northern Ireland? I thought that particular species was indigenous to North America?

  8. Morons actually orignated in Northern Ireland. Most of them are also politicians. Some of them also drive and a couple teach. I think you've met that couple ;-)

    Thanks for the link - must reciprocate

  9. *Cough* (Hanging head in shame) that would be me in this family :P

  10. Ali -
    I think 99% of Americans have Irish ancestry and that would explain it then...
    Wait, couple as in "couple"? or couple as in more than one or two?

    Meg -
    I must confess, just between you and me,(and my millions of readers...okay, 2 readers) I am not too kind behind the wheel either... I just enjoy poking fun at hubby.

  11. Dana, thank you so much for coming out of lurkdom on my blog! I love "meeting" new folks that way.

    This post made me giggle.

  12. Pee-Wee Bowling in Uzbekistan? I love that. I want to go. Road trip!

    Oh, and I'm the road rager in our house. I've cut down, but only out of fear for my life. Because people, they got big guns.

  13. Jenni! So glad you came by as well! Made you giggle huh? You must have recognized someone...

    Candy! Gosh, two of my ex-lurking places visit me in one day. I feel as though I need to celebrate...So, what would one take on a road trip to Uzbekistan? I'm all for it, I love to travel. Shall we meet somewhere in New Mexico and go from there?


and remember, words are my love language...