The Art of Conversation - At the Office

I won't tell you exactly where I work. Some of you know already, some of you may have an idea. Others, have no clue what I do for a living (like my bosses and co-workers for instance). Therefore if I actually told those of you who have no clue what I do, you would have visions of Dana Carvey dancing in your heads. And that, while funny, would be downright wrong.

Perhaps I will make a contest out of it one day. You know, everyone would take a guess and I could award prizes. I could call it "What Does Dana Do?" or WDDD? for short. I could make t-shirts and bracelets, oh and even bumper stickers! That would be special!

You could put those on your car and drive like Jesse and people would see the sticker and say to each other "They are such hypocrites!" "I thought Dana LOVED people, they don't act like they do!" Or when you wear your bracelet/t-shirt people would ask What Does Dana Do? and this would be the opportunity to ...

Hey now...it's just a joke. Please don't take offense. I am not in any way attempting to make fun of Jesus...just His followers...of which I am one...most of the time. Sometimes I'm sitting on the side of road whining "are we there yet?" or "I have to pee!" or "I'm hungry!" Sometimes I just sit there complaining about how my feet hurt and I'm tired. He yells at me from the front seat "Don't make me pull this thing over!" and I go back to following quietly - but still whining on the inside.

Eee gads, I am way off track here. Back to conversations at my job.

So, knowing exactly where I work will not in any way help this story. But, knowing what I do will help. So I will tell you. Brace yourself Effie...

I, Dana Moya, Sarcastic Queen of the Universe, am a church secretary. THERE! I said it. Go ahead, envision Dana Carvey doing the little purse of the lips and saying "I don't know, SATAN maybe?!?!" and then doing the 'Church Lady Shuffle.' I'll wait. I told you it would be downright wrong...For one I don't dress like that and two I certainly don't have gray hair. Praise you L'Oreal! But I have shared, and having done so I feel much better.

Whew.

And not just any kind of church secretary mind you, because now we call ourselves Administrative Assistants, and I am the Administrative Assistant in the singles department of our church. OK, that's all I'm giving you. Any more and I have to come give you a bible and tell you that Jesus loves you! Or kill you. Whichever will get rid of you faster.

First you must read THE DISCLAIMER: In some instances the names have been changed to protect me. Me? Yes, me. Why? Because, well, there are no innocent here and those spoken of may come hurt me once they've read this. And that would be bad. Very, very bad. For me. The names selected in no way reflect who it might be. I've gone pretty far to protect myself...I've chosen dog names...They will be nice to me now.

Phone calls:
Me: This is Dana
Anastasia: (thick, very thick, Romanian accent) I want your young people.
Me: Ew! Hey, that's illegal!
Anastasia: At my church we have no young people. I want your young people.
Me: Um, no.
Aaaand, later on in the conversation she informed me she was given the "Wolunteer of the Year" title at her church. Her award, a certificate and a glass of Vhiskey.

Nice!

or this one:

Me: This is Dana
Sparky: (cheesy car salesman voice) Hey there Dana how are you young lady?
Me: (ew) Fine sir, how can I help you?
Sparky: Well, you know I need me a bible class to go to.
Me: I don't mean to be rude sir, but may I ask what age you are? (we sort 'em out by age, helps them stay away from our young people.)
Sparky: Yes, ma'am I'm 55.
Me: Uh, (trying to be tactful) Sir, I need to transfer your call to our older singles department. One second.
Sparky: (interrupting) Ma'am, I would like to stay right here with you, the younger singles. Cause you see, I'm looking for a young Christian lady for a wife and I won't find one there.
Me:
Sparky: Can you help me?
Me: Lord help me.

And another favorite:

Me: This is Dana
Bella: I was looking for a singles bible study.
Me: Okay, I can...
Bella: First, can you tell me how many good black men go to your church.
Me: (Looking around for hidden camera) Excuse me?
Bella: Are there a lot of them or what?
Me: Um, I've never counted...but (What the?!?)

I kind of think, that since we work at a church people assume that all we do is sit around, holding hands and praying, talking about the Lord and stuff. You know, spiritual stuff. Cause, we is so spiritual. But truly we are a diverse group of people who can have a conversation about anything and everything.

And we do. We talk about kids, husbands, moms, eMiLys, recipes, Britney, sex, world hunger, Sponge Bob, OJ Simpson, sex, Dancing With the Stars, Bono, sex, pee wee bowling, Uzbekistan, each other, sex...

And I love my friends and our lunch conversations. And truly, I cannot put any of them here cause...

At lunch:
Sadie: CoCo asked what we really talk about at lunch. I told her...
Daisy/Ki Ki/Princess/Sandy/Lady/Fi Fi/Snookems: *panic stricken voices* Wait, she asked what?
Sadie: What we talk...
Daisy: And you told her all we talk about is Jesus right? You said we have bible study and talk about Jesus, cause what happens at lunch, stays at lunch. Right?!!
Sadie: I told CoCo that I can't keep up with what we talk about.
Daisy/Ki Ki/Princess/Sandy/Lady/Fi Fi/Snookems: Good girl.

The Haunting

I read in a book that the spirit of a person who has died suddenly or painfully will remain in the area that they died. It's as if there was such a tremendous energy released from the event that it remains attached to the location of the incident. So, the spirit stays, not knowing it is stuck, unaware that the body has moved on. As a Christian I know there are spirits. Even the bible refers to ghosts and spirits in several different ways.

It seems the choices we make often return to us like ghosts of lost souls haunting us with their memories. People who have lived to make choices, good or bad, at times remain stuck, haunted by a particular incident in their mind long after the body has moved on.

Beginning early on in my life I entered into an on and off again passionate love affair with rebellion. For many years I got away with the affair having suffered little or no consequences, but I did not elude them long. I now realize there were many offspring that came of that long standing tryst. One love child in particular ended in a failed marriage with two beautiful children. Two children I left with their father to raise.

I was barely 19 when I had Joshua, and just at 21 when Erienne came along. Life with their father was hard, disappointing, and at times, down right ugly. I knew nothing about Jesus except that He was some perfect guy who was boring to hear about and I had better things to do than sit on a hard pew for 2 hours and listen about how evil I was. I was a hard headed girl, determined to have my way and do whatever pleased me and me alone. Mmm, rebellion was a fine looking man who had me at hello. (And I am speaking about rebellion being fine, not the ex.)

Quite a few years later I was the stereo-typical unhappy young mother. I had a head full of ideas, a heart full of longing and wild oats that needed some sowing. The decision to leave the children with their father wasn't made in one definitive instance. Rather it was made over several years filled with good intentions. I intended to leave them just until I got on my feet. I intended to have just a little fun before it was back to motherhood. I intended to get them back the next month and the next because I certainly had no intention of leaving them with him. Those many months of unfulfilled intentions added up to the guilt that is the essence of my most familiar ghost.

When Erienne left on Sunday I was in the backyard, left alone with my ghosts. She returned to give me some pictures and found me crying. The same tears of regret that I've shed a thousand times over so much so you would think there would be none left. Regret that she and I do not know one another. Regret that I missed out on so much because I thought I would miss out on so much.

But I was crying tears of hope as well. Hope that as the years pass we will come to have a friendship. That she would forgive me, that I would forgive me and that somehow the Lord would restore those years that the locust had eaten. In my head I know that I am forgiven, if not by them or by myself, then at least by Christ. His grace is abundant, of this I am aware.

But that doesn't stop the ghosts that stay rooted in my memory, haunting me, reminding me of the choices I once made. The spirit unaware that the body has moved on.

A Good Title For Telling You About My Long Weekend.

I cannot begin to tell you what an absolutely awesome weekend it was. But I will try!

First, let me back up to Wednesday evening. After work Jesse and I went over to the home one of the most dearest and sweetest ladies I know. She has had a faucet leak for a while and asked J to fix it for her. The reason I say she is sweet and dear is because Miss Fanny Pegg is a young lady in her 80's who is still working her little 98 pound butt off every stinking day. Folks, there are 20 year olds who won't get a job and this woman is still at it every day.

While hubby fixed her sink, I had the pleasure of spending time talking with Miss Fanny. I asked her so many questions I am sure she couldn't wait until Jesse was done. But she answered with enthusiasm and even got in a few questions herself. We looked at pictures and she told me stories and made me laugh. I would love to share everything with you today, but I will save bits and pieces for later posts. I must say I was honored to be able to sit and talk with her. What a woman of faith! And for a tiny elderly woman, she embodies absolute strength.

Miss Fanny has been a member of our church for over 60 years and before she retired a couple of years ago, she taught Sunday school to little kids for 50 years. People just don't commit to anything like that anymore. We certainly don't commit to a church for that long much less to a job or to marriage. Hear me, if the Lord moves you, then move, I'm no angel, life gets ugly and I'm in a second marriage myself. All I'm saying is, what an example of faithfulness.

Once Jesse was finished we took her back to the church so she could have dinner with friends and then off to bible study. I hope at 80-something I am still as active as that. Um, let me rephrase that. I hope at 80-something I am as active as that!

It was a little late to cook so we took the kids to Prince's Hamburgers. We had such a blast sitting there listening to the oldies, singing, dancing (in our booth) and acting silly. Yes, at 14 and 12 they weren't too embarrassed to act like fools with mom and dad. What great kids I have! The onion rings and milkshakes weren't half bad either!

Thursday was a blur. I had to get everything done that day that I normally do in two days because I was off on Friday! WOO HOO!!! I loves me a three day weekend!!!

Friday hubs and I had what we call date day. See, I am a morning dove and he is a night owl. For the most part this works for us just fine. I get up way early in the am and read, write, paint or whatever I want while he gets in a few more Z's. Then around 8 or 8:30 at night I am very much ready for bed while he is still wide awake. This is when he gets to catch up on the news, sports highlights of every game he missed and watch all those westerns I don't care for.

So you see, this doesn't work for us when we try to have a date night. Besides, everyone else is out at night and I hate crowds. So date day it is. Besides, they last a lot longer! We always start out by putting the kids on the bus and heading out for breakfast. This time we had breakfast at Spanish Flower. Such a great place to eat. But don't get the norm here or you will be disappointed - norm being on the lunch or dinner menu and being fajitas or nachos. Do get the specials, that is where this restaurant shows off. For breakfast I love their poached eggs over gorditas with a great chili sauce and fresh avocado. Mmm, bellies full we headed out for some serious shopping.

I am not a girl who likes to shop, I have my reasons but will leave it at I just don't. But this time I was very excited to hit the stores because we were out to buy a bed. How boring you say right? Not for me. Honey I've been sleeping on an inch thin mattress that was on the floor for about 5 or 6 years now. Between two kids, a new home, moving mom to Houston and moving eMiLy out, life has just not allowed me to buy a bed.

Okay, maybe not an inch thin. But it sure felt like it all those nights. My son Eddie said I'm worse than the Princess in the Princess and the Pea. Hey, I do have royal blood flowing through my veins so that's not too far fetched Master Edward.

I can't wait to take a picture of it to show it to y'all. It's so dang pretty. And fat. The mattress is absolutely fat. Got's to be 2 feet thick. The Pea Princess is happy. I even got some beautiful new sheets out of it. Sigh. I think I'll go lay on it for a minute I'll be right back...

Ahhhh. That was lovely.

Speaking of lovely, my beautiful daughter Erienne was in town to visit. She is on leave for a week or so before she returns back to her post. Then at the end of November she will be deployed to Kuwait. Now, I've said several deployment dates and locations before, but this time it's pretty much set. I think. While in Kuwait she will transport "things" to Iraq and back. Pretty easy right? Um, she is a chemical and biological weapons specialist. Dang.

This has been more like a diary or journal entry than a post but I just had to share. I hope I didn't bore any of you terribly much. I enjoyed telling you about it that is for sure. I mean I spent the weekend with my family we had beautiful weather and we did nothing special, but I have to tell you what an absolutely awesome weekend it was!

Morning Drive The Next Day

and the day after that, and the day after that, and so on and so on...

I don't know what it is about being behind the wheel of a vehicle that makes my husband transmogrify (I like that word!) into someone I don't know or love. As I said in Morning Drive, we work together which brings us to carpool together - which I love. Mostly.

My husband, for those who have not had the pleasure, is a kind, generous, and loving family man. He would not hurt anyone (Making you mow the lawn does not count, kids).

That is until you put him behind the wheel of a vehicle and send him on his way to...wherever.

Oh, or in front of a tv playing sports. Any sports. Pee Wee Bowling in Uzbekistan will rile him up and send him into emotional fits resembling PMS where he alternates between yelling at the refs/umps/officials/team/announcers/stadium vendors/mascot/small children on the screen and then long moments of complete and utter silence. Yes, he's even cried a time or two. The children and I are not quite sure whether to huddle in the closet with a shotgun, not that we own one, or call for an intervention.

And in actuality it's not the oft heard of road rage. It's more like, gosh, how do I explain it....You know the song Jesus Take the Wheel? I would say, it's more like Satan Has the Wheel.

Satan has the wheel,
He took it from J's hands.
Cause no one can drive right you know.
I'm praying Lord,
Don't let me pee my pants,
Move people from this road we're on.
Satan has the wheel.
O, take it, take it from him.

Mmmm, maybe that is a little harsh. But One of Satan's Lesser Minions Has the Wheel just doesn't flow the same.

I've tried to convince him it's not his road and that he shouldn't take personal offense to others actually driving on it or God forbid, driving on it in front of him. Gasp! May the Lord have mercy on their souls. And just who is the fool who drives 37 mph in the 35 mph zone anyway? What is wrong with him?!?! Does he NOT know he could go at least 40 and get away with it? Sigh, folks, this is the burden that is mine daily to bear.

I have even played music, you know it is supposed to soothe the savage beast. But apparently satan does not like morning radio. I've tried coffee, breakfast and the occasional scream or two thinking since he is satan, he might like that sort of thing. I have found he does like jokes and flirting. Lots of flirting. But it only diverts him momentarily until some brave soul decides to change lanes so they can turn left of all things, do they not know the wrath they incur by doing so?

But alas, each day I arrive safe, in need of a strong sedative, but safe. The face of satan begins to fall off and soon the sweet man I love so dearly smiles back at me as we walk in the door. I begin to relax, glad for the return of my beloved. If only until the next day.

Sing it Carrie!

Just nothing...

Today was the first day that actually resembled fall here in Houston; a city famous for both oppressive heat and humidity. After a long and weary summer of living up to this reputation, the arrival of crisp northern air will be revitalizing to my soul. The coolness of the breeze and the rustle of fallen leaves speak to me of the shedding of lifeless things.

It's becoming harder and harder to wake up in the morning. I find myself clinging to the world that lays just between dreams and reality. The mist of slumber's warmth reluctantly gives way to encroaching consciousness. The denial comes due in part to the darkness of the late hour. My body refusing to acknowledge the truth of the clock's red glare. A change of the clocks with the change of the season will be restorative as well.

Sleep, however, comes to me quite readily. My body is tired and ready for repose even if my mind is still busy stirring together the ingredients of the day. I have always been one to rehash the conversations, happenings and observations of the past. Holding them on the palate of my mind, relishing the flavors and textures of each moment as if it were the finest of fare. Taking note of the excess or lack of seasoning here and there and thinking perhaps I should next time leave it simmer rather than boil. I drift off to sleep my heart full and my hunger for life temporarily sated this side of heaven.

I'm sitting here listening to the sounds of my children, resisting as all children do, the rules of bedtime. While I long for bed early in the evening, they would stay up all night if we would only allow them. I can almost hear the tv as my husband changes channels hoping for a worthwhile show to watch. I know that whatever he finds, it will end up watching him fall asleep. The dogs have settled in and the clock behind me is ticking faster than my typed words will come. The sounds of home are beckoning me to join in the music.

Monday ¿Mande?

¿Mande? (mon - as in Monarch- day) is Spanish for "say what?" or "come again?".

My sweet daughter is going to kill me for this one...oh well.

Saturday evening after a huge barbecue with my work, my daughter and I were in my room. I groaned and commented on how full I was. She asked if I felt like I was going to explode. I told her the way I felt, I probably would. She said to give her warning because she didn't want to be in the room when the testicles went flying.

Me either baby. Me either.

Devilish Laughter Follow Up

Yep, I'm still alive. None of the recipes have killed me and neither have the kids. I've made quite a few recipes from the book as well as made up some of my own. I've learned a few do's and some don'ts and figured I would share.

First of all, to get started, you need to know that it will take some time. It took me 2 to 2 1/2 hours yesterday. This included steaming and pureeing butternut squash, spinach, carrots, bell peppers, sweet potatoes, beets, broccoli and cauliflower. However, I believe after you get the hang of it and you are only restocking it will take no time at all. If you are really serious about it that is. If not, and you only plan on making a few things here or there, I would suggest pureeing as you go.

Second, a food processor works way better than a blender. Your veggies will be smoother, it will take a lot less time and work.

Third, if your kids are small, start now. My kids are older and know how and what I cook. They are also aware of the cook book so they have become wary of everything I put in front of them.

Fourth, since my kids are bigger I started (where I could) with slightly less vegetable puree than the recipe called for. I wanted to see what would work and what had no chance.

For instance, this morning I made the sweet potato pancakes. My son LOVES pancakes and would eat them at every meal if he could. I knew he would be my toughest critic on this one. He was asleep while I cooked but the smell of breakfast soon stirred him. Boy was he drooling once he realized he was getting his beloved pancakes. I held my breath with every bite he took fearing at any minute he was going to notice.

But he didn't notice a thing. That is until my daughter told him as soon as he was done. Then he gagged and protested and whined. I thanked the traitor and put up the remaining pancakes. The true test would come later on. Anytime I make pancakes for breakfast, Eddie almost always has the remaining for lunch.

Around lunchtime I was busy with something and Benedict Elena (who is apparently a double spy) yelled out to me "he's eating the last pancake for lunch!" I smiled to myself. I had won. I asked him later on, "so you really liked the pancakes then?" He said, and I am not kidding "yes, they were awesome (said aaaaawwwwsome) and I want you to make them like that every time."

I picked my jaw up off the floor and J and I potatoed (like high five or knuckling just as geeky and annoying to teenagers).

Of course I've made several other meals. Soup with tons of pureed vegetables, every bite eaten when there used to be enough leftovers to feed us all. Spaghetti, tacos and hamburgers. Delicious every one of them.

But I knew the desserts would be the deciding vote on whether or not this would really work.


Drum roll please......

drdrdrdrdrdrdrdrdrrdrdrdrdrdrdrrdrdrd (drum roll sound)




Ladies and gentlemen, the brownies are....

pretty good! I do prefer a chewy brownie over a cake like brownie. BUT, they were very moist (sorry Courtney) they were very tasty and they did not taste one bit like spinach or carrots. And most importantly my kids (and husband) loved them. So, there you have it.

I am quite happy I bought the book. The mission for me was to get my kids eat greens and reds other than m & m's or gummy worms. Mission accomplished.