I need to tell you that I am feeling so resentful of late. My eMiLy has been gone for several weeks now and for the past few days there is the slightest glimmer of hope in my heart that this brief reprieve, this blessed respite will magically become permanent. By 'magically' I of course mean that my beloved will find the courage to tell her it is time. But I know that this will never happen. He will never speak the words that so desperately need to be voiced, the words each side know to be true but do not admit to one another. Elephants live in every one's home. We feed ours on the empty lies dressed up as respect and love. I don't blame him really - my husband not the elephant - for I love her as well. But I struggle with the fact that if sacrificial love does what is best for a person, does that mean what is best for all involved or just the one? And just who is to begin the sacrifice? If she does, I will feel the guilt of having been resolved in my unmoving. If I do, and I've tried, I find myself back at square one - no ground gained.
I must tell you it is sad to say that my stomach hurts at the thought of her return. I think I've created a childhood monster in my mind that must be quickly slain. The resentment comes in due to the fact that I feel a prisoner of my own home. I find myself on edge and constantly cleaning beyond what is sane. Straightening and fixing all the little details in slightest possibility of an early return. I cringe at the imagined response to a dish in the sink, or several drying in the drain. I feel the slightest bit of anxiety at the idea of her seeing the plants not watered or no food in the dog food bowl. I want her to return and see we did just fine without the resident smother-in-law. I don't want to leave the smallest bit of cheese for her to snatch up and nibble on - I want everything in place with no opportunity left for her disapproving eye to alight on our mistakes and foibles. It is driving me crazy and I am fighting the stupidity of it all with every ounce of resoluteness that is in me. And I resent this whole stupid scenario very much. I resent that past experience has taught me that, believe me, she will notice and she will have something to say. She will make me roll my eyes and want to scream within the first 15 minutes of her return. And I just cannot stand it. Yet the bars that keep me in this place of resentment are of my own making, they are iron pride & fear.
I need to tell you how I want to grow up, that I feel like a emotional, insensitive and rebellious teenager all over again.
I need to tell you that I want to let go of the rocks of careless words she has tossed at me, rocks I have saved up and held onto, to throw back at her glass house. The rocks are cutting into my palms because I am gripping them so tightly refusing to let them go. If if let them go, then somehow she wins. I will be caught unawares and unarmed for the assault. Or at least that is the argument that makes my grip remain firm.

I feel I must tell you that I know I am to let go, put the rocks down and forgive and forget and love with the love of Christ. I must tell you I've tried and failed. I must tell you I will definitely try again, fail or no fail. I feel I must tell you this because this is where I am for the moment and I must be real with you. Tomorrow I will regale you with stories of bras and doctors and other very real and humorous events in my life.
Until then, I remain here.