Finals Week

'They' put the fear of the Surgery Nazi in you. Tell you to lose 10 pounds or else - "no surgery for you!"

They mean well. They want to see if you will follow their directions. It makes the surgery easier on the stomach. It makes the transition to a purely liquid diet that much easier. Lowers your health risks, yada yada yada.

So, I knew the Big W-day was drawing close. My old fears and long ago fought battles rose up out of their shallow graves and laughed their ghostly heads off right in front of me. Did I lose enough? What if I gain 3 pounds overnight. Better skip a protein shake until after weigh in. Wrong. Wrong. WRONG!

My stupid scale at home wasn't helping the mental matters either. My clothes were a bit baggy. I was feeling a bit lighter. But my scale showed me very little love. So, rather than give in and be defeated I went to another scale. And another. And glory be, I'd lost 20 pounds!

Forget a bit baggy, suddenly my pants were about to fall off.

So, I headed off to the hospital ready to jump through all the final pre-op hoops with confidence tucked neatly under my arm. They have their circus act down pat. In this ring you pee in a cup. In this ring you give a little blood. And in this ring you have an EKG.

Then the ring master walks in. Uh oh...

I hate this part. I am always afraid I am going to answer something wrong. It's too much like a test...

Head Nurse/Ring Master: What is your religion?

Me: Um...Christian?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *staring at me*

Me: Baptist?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *writing and talking* Christian.

I'm thinking dang, that was a few points off.

This one was my favorite by far:

Head Nurse/Ring Master: What do you expect from your hospital stay?

Me: Um, surgery?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: We are not amused. Of course you will have surgery. What do you expect?

Me: Good care?

Dang, I am so failing this...

Head Nurse/Ring Master: No one knows how to answer that question.

Well at least I am in the 100 percentile there.

Head Nurse/Ring Master: Are you allergic to anything?

Me: Yes, codeine, morphine, vicodin.

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *disbelieving tone, looks over top of glasses* What do they do to you?

Me: Chest pains, rash, heart racing, short of breath?

Head Nurse/Ring Master: *impressed* Okay.

Me: Whew.

The Ring Master lets me leave the interrogation. I'm off to see the trapeze artists next.

No kidding. Having an x-ray is really like that. Hold on to the bar over your head, deep breath in, lift your leg, swing! Now, turn this way, flip, deep breath in and swing!

Can I have some pop-corn now? Where are those stinking clowns cause this ain't funny anymore.

After two hours of that I headed off to the Surgery Nazi camp and waited for the call. And waited. And waited...

Finally my time had come. I weighed in and met with Dr. F.

Two thumbs up. I'd lost 22 pounds, all my tests went well and so on.

I asked what my results were from the hospital tests. He said I passed with a 94.

An A!

I think six points were taken off for being Baptist.

I have started a blog about my weight loss journey. You can read about it here if you like. I just repeated this post there. I am too lazy to be creative twice today.

19 comments:

  1. So dang proud of you, girl! Keep it up!

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  2. wow! congrats! how much are tickets to that circus show? is it like barnum & bailey or more like cirque de soleiel?

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  3. Kelly,
    Thanks...

    Jaclyn,
    They run about the same as a Hannah Montana ticket only not as much singing. It was more like Cirque de Oi Vey.

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  4. Yahoo! Soon we'll be asking where is Dana? And Candie will answer she's in Galveston. And while you are in Galveston you know what you'll be singing

    I'm wearing an ittsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polk a dot bikini.

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  5. I'm so proud! Proud of you going forward and proud of you passing the test!

    You go girl!

    LMS

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  6. I'm glad you passed with flying colors! LOL about Cirque de Oi Vey.

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  7. Well done you :-)

    I just checked out your other blog and saw a picture of you for the first time. I know this is going to maybe sound ... um ... rude, like 'I wasn't expecting it' rude, but you are SO pretty!

    OK, back to being just plain, unexplained rude for me now ;-)

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  8. Jessica,
    Thanks for your support girl!

    Nancy,
    Bikini's? No way. Blue velvet maybe. I'll wear blue velvet, bluer than velvet was the night. But not a bikini. I would be afraid to come out of the water. Wait, we will be in Galveston, I will be afraid to GO IN TO the water!

    Linda,
    Where should I go? :)

    Jenni,
    It was a close one. The flying colors are all over my arm from the blood work...geesh.

    Ali,
    LOL! You are so funny! Well, thanks, I think?

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  9. OMG, Dana! I had no idea it was so close; congrats on passing the next hurdle & know I'll be holding you up in prayer.

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  10. the time has come. i am so excited for you as well as so proud that you got through this hard part. much love

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  11. I am so proud of you and am praying for you every day. I will be thinking about you this week! I love you!

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  12. Meg,
    Snuck up on you didn't it? Not me, it CRAWLED!

    Court,
    Much love to you and those babies...see you soon!

    Karie,
    Thanks, I need the prayers! Love you too!

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  13. Hi. I just came over here from One Thing because the name of your blog sounded cool. :)

    I just wanted to congratulate you on taking this step toward a better life. My mom had gastric bypass five years ago and loves it. I had lapband surgery just over three months ago and am so happy with it. One thing I have felt for the first time in my life is CONTROL - over my weight, over my food choices, over my life. It's amazing.

    Blessings on your journey!

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  14. dana,

    i've been so involved in making my lists that i haven't been by lately.

    i didn't realize that it was so close!!!

    good luck!

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  15. i wonder if hallmark makes a card for this kind of a thing?

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  16. Has it happened yet? Does anyone know? I imagine it will take Dana quite a few days to come back to the blog so if anyone there can post an update it would be very much appreciated. Regardless, I'll be thinking good thoughts for you, Dana!! Read you when you write back! Hugs = ]

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  17. Citlali

    I heard via Kelly (couple of days ago) that surgery went to schedule and Dana is making good progress

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  18. Lucy!
    Sorry I took so long to respond...been kind of busy you know? :) Any who, I so appreciate the kind words of encouragement, especially THIS week. It has been hard, but I know there is joy in the journey. And THANKS for realizing HOW COOL the name of my blog is, I hope you will come back often! :)

    NJ/Jenn,
    You so should market that! Get Hoops & Yo Yo as the main characters of the Bariatric Line of Hallmark cards and you will be rich!

    All of you,
    For me it is the strangest thing to feel such love and affection towards so many people, most of whom I've never met in person. But that is exactly what I feel. Thank you so much for the love and encouragement!

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and remember, words are my love language...